Welcome to the existence

*Everyone's here.

not sure why. but we are.

*Everyone's watching you now.

still lost on why. unless you're just self-centered, and you're imagining it.

*Dare you to move.

I dare myself to move. someday.

I'm not sure what I'm doing.

working on it

lately I've been struggling not to struggle. obviously, this is not the right way to go about trying to find peace, but it's the only thing I know. I struggle at everything, and I know it's not right, it feels wrong. inner peace does come from fighting for it. it comes from accepting. from yes. somehow though, I'm saying yes to the wrong thing. I'm accepting and saying yes to how morbidly bad everything is, and how easy I can despair. I'm not saying yes to an unbiased reality. I still leave my bias on everything and think that by saying yes it will be ok. I suppose it's a type of arrogance that keeps me from getting past my own version of reality. I have something happen, or hear of a situation and see it as bad, and I'm unable to get past the negative feelings that go with that. I can see, objectively, that that situation or thing isn't necessarily bad. I just can't get that to translate into my head.

As Is

too tired to write tonight. will have to learn to write before work, not after. sorry folks. here's a bit from Rilke.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves like
locked rooms and like books that are written in
a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now." - Rainer Maria Rilke

1234

my life is melting away. I "schedule" my life around my work, but on the days I work, I do nothing else. and on the days I don't work, I'm so "relieved" to not be working, I sleep all day. I get nothing done. I sleep, and waste time on the internet. really, what does it matter if I read an article on "Fishermen narrowly escape death when 40-tonne truck crashes just two feet from their tent." that is a real headline I found just now on Fark.com, where I waste much of my time. seriously, who cares.
so, in an attempt to put some order in my life, I shall try to blog daily. and wash clothes weekly. and eat at least twice a day. and possibly read an actual book at least a bit each day. we'll see how it goes.

insecurities of youth

today, I have cracked. I have felt like crying, but didn't. I felt like screaming, but didn't. I felt like running, but instead walked.

I feel pressure from everyone and everything. pressure from my parents to be productive. pressure from my girlfriend to not act like a retard. and to be productive. pressure from my brother for about everything. to be productive. to be happy. to live differently. to play poker well. to not act like a retard. to be a man. pressure from myself is the worst. all the things listed and more. to be happy. to be at peace. to know what I'm doing. where I'm going. who I am. to not act like a retard. to be a man. to be productive.

it's all in my head, everyone knows this. I know this, you know this. but it's as real as anything to me. and it crushes me. I know, I'm a drama queen, and I feel pressure from you, the unnamed reader, to not act like a sissy in this post. but it's my damn blog, I can spill whatever damn beans I want. and I do feel crushed. I feel like I imagine the bottom of the ocean to be. every inch of my body is under-pressure, from nowhere, from everywhere. it's there, but I can't see it. but it takes up all my thoughts.

who am I? where am I going? how do I get to be that person I don't know I want to be. is there someone out there that can help? actually, wait. I know the answer to that last one. no. it's up to me. all me. and guess what? the title of the post says youth, but this pressure comes from me, and it won't go away with age. it will only go away if I find a way to make it go away. if I can be at peace. the pressure to be at peace. how deliciously, and painfully, ironic.

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Recently I've had several discussions on Rocket Man, originally preformed by Elton John. here's my favorite version of it, with William Shatner:



after these discussions I Wikied the song, and discovered that Kate Bush did a version of it that reached #12 on the UK charts. I Youtubed it, and here's what I found:



I don't know about you, I'm not too impressed with it. Obviously Shatner is better, but I even prefer Elton here, or even Stewie:





and last but not least, from the credits of one of my favorite shows, Californication, I present a cover by My Morning Jacket:

can't help it

sooo...I was reading some lists on Forbes.com...like, richest celebs, authors, musicians, etc. and I come across something about Avril Lavigne. a few years ago, in my younger teen years, I was a huge fan of Avril, as obviously EVERY teen is. I hadn't listened to her music in a while though, even though I still think she's smokin hot. so this blurb on her said that she released a new album in April or somethin of 2007, (I missed it,) and that her hit single on that, "Girlfriend" became the 2nd most popular video of all time on youtube. I used to watch tons of stuff on youtube, and try to keep up with who's the current "youtube celebs." I'm kinda surprised that a video like hers hit the #2 all time spot. usually the top few are reserved for old classics, such as the #1 all time most viewed video, seen here: Evolution of Dance.

that video has been viewed OVER 72 MILLION times. that's a lot. but it's been popular for years. however, Avril's music video has only been out a few months, and already has over 69 million views. that's astounding. so I went and watched it. DAMN. she is so hot. check her out: Avril's Video

impressive eh? and the music is still hugely popular. I'm kinda tired of her old stuff, (only because I over-listened to it to the tune of 50 million times,) but I like the new stuff. I admit it. can't help it. it's smokin hot Avril.

I'm Not There, I'm gone..

somehow I accidentally posted this on the Vaguely Vagabonds blog. oops. obv fixed it now tho.

lately I've started to see some things. some answers. they're costing a lot, but I think it's worth it.

the answer I've been given today is a simple one. ironically enough, this isn't the first time I've heard it. it's a very prevalent theme in Christian religion, and comes straight from the Bible. the theme is that works alone will not get you to heaven. it's not what you do that counts. it's seen in the bible here:

*Galatians 2:16
Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified.

*1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."


fairly simple, eh? except that I've missed it. a robot can be programmed to go on road trips, to meet people, to read good books, to smoke cigars with family, and to walk and see nature. this is all simple to do, but not to experience. not to live. the real test is inside. and lately I've been preoccupied with doing the right things, and I'm missing out on it all anyway.
kinda preachy, I know. and I referenced Christianity, which is REALLY rare for me. ever so sorry. won't happen again.


Soundtrack for the day: I'm Not There - Bob Dylan

The fox went out on a chilly night...

a few days ago, I was the most confused person on the planet. a far smarter person then me once said suffering was the greatest, (and only,) suffering. I believe it.

this morning, I am the happiest person on the planet.

what changed? nothing. it's easy to be confused when you can't see out of your own head. a step back clears so much. and I saw a fox. that actually did a lot. most will never know.

nature is the cure for all things. if one is in nature, and still suffering, it is only the trouble of that person's mind.