insecurities of youth

today, I have cracked. I have felt like crying, but didn't. I felt like screaming, but didn't. I felt like running, but instead walked.

I feel pressure from everyone and everything. pressure from my parents to be productive. pressure from my girlfriend to not act like a retard. and to be productive. pressure from my brother for about everything. to be productive. to be happy. to live differently. to play poker well. to not act like a retard. to be a man. pressure from myself is the worst. all the things listed and more. to be happy. to be at peace. to know what I'm doing. where I'm going. who I am. to not act like a retard. to be a man. to be productive.

it's all in my head, everyone knows this. I know this, you know this. but it's as real as anything to me. and it crushes me. I know, I'm a drama queen, and I feel pressure from you, the unnamed reader, to not act like a sissy in this post. but it's my damn blog, I can spill whatever damn beans I want. and I do feel crushed. I feel like I imagine the bottom of the ocean to be. every inch of my body is under-pressure, from nowhere, from everywhere. it's there, but I can't see it. but it takes up all my thoughts.

who am I? where am I going? how do I get to be that person I don't know I want to be. is there someone out there that can help? actually, wait. I know the answer to that last one. no. it's up to me. all me. and guess what? the title of the post says youth, but this pressure comes from me, and it won't go away with age. it will only go away if I find a way to make it go away. if I can be at peace. the pressure to be at peace. how deliciously, and painfully, ironic.