Welcome to the existence

*Everyone's here.

not sure why. but we are.

*Everyone's watching you now.

still lost on why. unless you're just self-centered, and you're imagining it.

*Dare you to move.

I dare myself to move. someday.

I'm not sure what I'm doing.

working on it

lately I've been struggling not to struggle. obviously, this is not the right way to go about trying to find peace, but it's the only thing I know. I struggle at everything, and I know it's not right, it feels wrong. inner peace does come from fighting for it. it comes from accepting. from yes. somehow though, I'm saying yes to the wrong thing. I'm accepting and saying yes to how morbidly bad everything is, and how easy I can despair. I'm not saying yes to an unbiased reality. I still leave my bias on everything and think that by saying yes it will be ok. I suppose it's a type of arrogance that keeps me from getting past my own version of reality. I have something happen, or hear of a situation and see it as bad, and I'm unable to get past the negative feelings that go with that. I can see, objectively, that that situation or thing isn't necessarily bad. I just can't get that to translate into my head.

As Is

too tired to write tonight. will have to learn to write before work, not after. sorry folks. here's a bit from Rilke.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves like
locked rooms and like books that are written in
a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now." - Rainer Maria Rilke

1234

my life is melting away. I "schedule" my life around my work, but on the days I work, I do nothing else. and on the days I don't work, I'm so "relieved" to not be working, I sleep all day. I get nothing done. I sleep, and waste time on the internet. really, what does it matter if I read an article on "Fishermen narrowly escape death when 40-tonne truck crashes just two feet from their tent." that is a real headline I found just now on Fark.com, where I waste much of my time. seriously, who cares.
so, in an attempt to put some order in my life, I shall try to blog daily. and wash clothes weekly. and eat at least twice a day. and possibly read an actual book at least a bit each day. we'll see how it goes.