on my trip to Louisiana some time back I wrote a letter, from my 5th generation, (great-great-great-grandson. I think,) to the Andrew of today. I'd like to share that with you soon. not today. Among other things that letter urged me to to take lightly the problems of today. here is my response. I must write this today.
Most treasured descendent,
I feel I must write you to explain myself. I hear your wishes for me to rise above my problems, but I feel I must write them before I can properly see them.
I feel connected. to this moment. I feel no space. where is the space. I read about finding the center, and looking for the space, to distant yourself from each moment, so that you may live it, and enjoy it, respond to it, but not react to it. to distance the I from my self. from my ego. from the phenomenal world that my mind projects. I can't find it today though. I can't feel that space. I'm stuck, with glue, to this moment, and to this feeling, and that thought. I AM this moment, I AM that thought. I am this feeling. husband. business owner. that's a big one lately. I am a business owner. I feel that. no space. and thus, with the ups and downs with every day, I swing as well. I tell myself I'm not worried. I tell others I'm not worried when we're down. but I am. because I am that down swing. and thus, I am that failure. and I know that an up swing will come, but it doesn't soften the blow I feel in that moment.
I want to provide for my family. I am that ability. and I can't right now. and I am that failure as well. I want to take my wife away. I want to let her travel, to set her free like she talks about. I feel that's my responsibility. I am that responsibility. and I am that failure.
I want to talk to people about what's in side me. but not for the joy. not for the story telling. for the attention. to feel that rush to be wanted. to hide those other things I feel. if everyone's looking at me, I'm too busy to look inside. even saying that, I know when I look inside, I first see the failure, then I see past that to the truth. but in this moment, I'm bogged down. I can't find that 2nd level. I can't see past the looming weight of what I feel in this moment. I am that weight.
I don't feel free. I feel pressure. I feel weight. it makes me short. sharp. my temper doesn't last long. after 2 hours at work I'm angry. tired. so tired. always tired. colors are dull. only because I can't see them. I'm a walking cliche.
I'm sick. feel like smoking. can't. it'll just make it worst. I'm alone again. feels good. I'm always alone, and never alone. I'm alone all the time and I don't feel it. then I do and I'm lonely. then there are people around and I want time to myself.
Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
this song rings in me. I am little. and scared. I can't find my way out of these feelings. the space is there, outside the door. but if I go to the door, it'll be one step further. always one more step.
so I ask you. how can I escape this? how can I see past mySelf? how do I set aside these small things and see the now?
