the mind churns

Walking in my dream, all I see is shadows. even in the mirror. all is translucent.

In my short days on this earth, I've met on two angels. my view of angels is very specific. different from saints. my mother is a saint, but no angel. to me an angel has a very definite feel to them. when you meet one you can tell. it's the attitude, the smile, the laugh, the lightness of one's step, the grace. I've never been in an angel's presence and been depressed. the angels I've met are the most free spirits I've ever been around. I'm sure they have all the struggles the rest of us have, but the care-free spirit they live is enthralling.

I've just found out one of these angels, also one of my closest friends, has gotten engaged to be married. I find myself feeling a mixture of happiness and depression. I'm so happy she will have some one to rely on, to help her when she needs it, to enjoy life with. the depression is more of a mystery to me. I think it may have to do with the pain that comes with love as well. the thought of the ugly times of true loves happening to this person makes me so completely sad. however, I don't feel that's the only thing that's making me sad. I just can't tell what else. it's something in my own head, but I can't tell what. so I'm just trying to sit with it.

to my friend K, I wish you the happiest life imaginable. I hope you never lose your child-likeness. you have always represented true beauty for me.

*sigh

I have so much to say but hardly the time or ability to say it.