Hope

This blog was written in a hurry, on my way out the door to work. any positions or ideas contained therein may not be expressed how I'd like. the reality of the story is I had a conversation with a wonderful person this morning, and that's all it was. a conversation.

Most mornings I go up to Starbucks, and sit with Ben for our morning coffee/smoke. Some mornings we are joined by others, most notably Bill, an older gentleman that we met at starbucks, and often sits to talk with us.
This morning was different, as all are. this one especially though, followed a different path. I got up to Starbucks around 11am, Bill and Ben were already there. Ben has met some Jehovah Witnesses earlier, and for a few minutes we talked about some papers they had given him. our conversation went on, with many different subjects, but around 20 minutes later a lady that had been sitting at an adjacent table walked over and asked what we were talking about. we'll call her Hope. Hope had been listing and was wondering our purpose for talking, and our subject. we explained we talk about many things, and she sat down and wanted to talk. she explained she was unhappy. Hope asked about friends, and if we had any true friends. friends we could go to when life was at it's darkest. it became clear quickly that she was at the point. the darkest time she'd been in, and she felt like dying, because heaven would be better. Hope had no friends, no one to turn to. she was learning that all her "friends" were only there when times were good, but now that they weren't, she was alone. Hope isn't married, she only have a 17 year old daughter she raises by herself. Hope was not raised in America, judging by her accent she is German.
Anyway, we talked for about an hour and a half. Hope is a beautiful woman. she explained she is suffering because she's alone. she had no real friends. she has no point in life. she does her best to be a good person, she loves others, cares for them, and they call her names and words that aren't nice. they say she's old fashioned, rude, nasty, and evil. these things hurt Hope, and she was beginning to doubt the point of living. she talked about how there's no real people that are honest. no one she could trust. she is very lonely. she asked Ben about his relationship, and if he trusted his wife. Ben said yes, of course. Hope asked what if Ben's wife had cheated on him, or left him. Ben said he'd be hurt, but he loved his wife, unconditionally, and these things would not stop him from loving her. Hope looked at been and shook her head back and forth. denying. she laughed and said many women would like to have Ben, but Ben didn't have love. Ben couldn't have love if he still loved his wife if she did those things. "That's not love. If she does those things you get a divorce, that's how it works."
we asked Hope why she was suffering. she said she didn't belong to this world. she was searching for herself. we pointed out that she was looking outward, always outward for who she was. in the reactions to her actions. she showed loved and was rewarded with mockery and hate. so she doubted her love. also, Hope said she was ugly. she said when she walks on the street and a man looks at her, her thought is "I must have something horrible on my face for him to look at me. I'm too ugly to look at normally, so there must be something truly nasty on me for him to look my way." this thought floored me. that amount of self hate is astounding. I'm not surprised it exists, but I've never encountered it. Hope is not ugly. Hope is a beautiful person, inside and out. Hope takes her thoughts as fact. when we asked her if she is ugly, she says yes. we disagree, she shakes her head. we asked her if she has to be married to be happy, she says yes. we disagree, and she shakes her head. she lives on a foundations of undeniable of facts, that make up her life, and cause her to suffer. these facts are not real facts, just thoughts and beliefs her mind gives her. we asked her if she is living, if her heart is breathing. she says her heart beats, but she doesn't live. nothing is inside, just a living body. Hope is dead.
I hope to talk to her more. Hope is hurting, struggling through life. I can't help her. no one can. Only Hope. only by loving herself, accepting what is, is she going to make progress. she has walls up, and no one can bring them down but her. I love Hope. She's an amazing loving human being. maybe we'll talk again.

who is I?

I was reading a book by Anthony De Mello, Awareness. In it, this statement stood out to me.
"Truth isn't something you can search for."
he's discussing what many zen writers have mentioned, the concept of not searching, but instead dropping your theories. dropping your opinions, your labels. which brings me to Mark 8:29. Jesus asked his followers this question: "who do you say that I am?"
wow. is there an answer? or a right or wrong one? can we know?
or for a different line of thought, don't assume the question is about Jesus. De Mello also talks about the difference between the "I" the inner self, vs the "Me." the Me is your ego, your thoughts, your beliefs, etc. the I has the ability to step outside that and look in, to examine the Me from apart. to dislocate. I can examine My thoughts. so who do I say that I am? what labels do I put on myself, my "I." human being is an easy one. not really any judgments there. but then what happens when I add "employee," "husband," "brother." then I try to live in those labels.
just some thoughts... anyone have any thoughts to add?

I say... you hear....

I was recently reading an article entitled "eight commonly misinterpreted songs" (found here,) and I was fascinated with the opening paragraph. In particular this sentence:
"When we read a poem or a story, we bring our own experiences into the text and that often yields vastly different interpretations. "
I've had a similar conversation many times on the subject of the Bible. Each person reads the verses contained within and understand them based on the experience of their life. That's part of the reason I have a hard time listening to a pastor teach on the Bible. my understanding is different from his, and I think God can show each person what they need to see though the specific things in the verse that make an impression on their mind. but this whole thing's off topic. I'm talking about communication.
communication, simple conversation is subject to the same principles. when you say something, that's not necessarily what the other person hears. they're listening to your words, and their brain is interpreting those words based on the sum of THEIR experiences. thus mis-communication happens so easily. basically any time your life experiences aren't similar to the other persons, there's opening for confusion.
so with this knowledge, why do we get so frustrated? because we expect everyone to understand everything how we meant it? has there ever been a place or time where that's held true? upon what do we base these expectations?
of course, one might read this post and draw the conclusion that conversation is pointless, or at least so difficult to get right that it's hardly worth the effort. I disagree. any conversation is a journey, and one must be open to anything along the way. sometimes even though you may not get what the other person is saying, it causes something else to arise in your being. something maybe not intended, but profound nevertheless.


on a small side not, I disagreed with the article I linked. the author draws her own conclusions on the songs. and what does it matter anyway? I suppose I should take the college course she mentioned...because I'm not sure how I feel about which is more important, what the author originally meant, or what the reader/listener takes from it... but what do I know. I'm just interpreting words on a page based on the sum of my life experiences. and that's not even starting in on my own interpretations of those life experiences. whether they be reality or not. silly me. what do I know?